The last few days have been filled with many hows. First of all, I should mention that our placement date for the boys was set for April 1st! This is why the sudden increase in the number of hows. Gosh, I’ve asked myself so many things. How will we be ready by then? How will we take care of 2 baby boys? How are we going to afford it? How are we going to love them even if they are going to leave us? How do we support their biological mother? How do you know what they eat? How, how, how?
Some of these hows have been pretty simple to answer. We will be ready because we have been blessed with time and a wonderful community of friends and family that are helping. The foster mom they are with now has been kind enough to teach me all the things I need to know about formula, baby food, swaddling, toddlers, and any other question I have. She’s wonderful. My husband is a wonderful budget maker type of guy and has figured out all the necessary ways we will afford it. We are fine. We knew that before going in to this, but it’s still pretty nerve racking! Probably the 2 biggest hows that I’ve been struggling with are how to attach and love on these boys even though in the back of my mind I know they’ll probably leave, and how to be supportive of the biological mother and father.
First, loving the boys. Wow. I can’t even believe this has been a concern. I feel so guilty about it because, well, this is what we signed up for! We knew this was a possibility from the beginning. I shared in a previous post about reading in 1 Samuel Hannah’s dedication of her son to the Lord. This has been a huge answer. These are His children. We will love them because of this. I have also been reminded of Jesus’s love of children, His willingness to scoop them up and His desire for us to love them. The Lord has told me that I will love these children as He does. I will love them as He loves me. Oh, and have I mentioned how freaking cute they are? There is no way anyone would not attach to these boys right away! They are so. stinking. cute. Seriously.
Second, and most difficult for me lately, has been the idea of supporting and loving the biological mother and father of these boys. Gosh. The dirtiness of my heart has really come out on this one. You see, we really do want to adopt. But, we know that in the foster care system, this is not always what happens. And we were taught a great deal about how the goal of the state is to reunite families. As it should be. Really, it’s not hard to believe that the best place for children is with their family. Of course, that’s as long as the family take care of them and loves them. That’s the thing. These parents have made mistakes. Bad ones. And now, they are in the process of winning back their children from the state. I fear for the boys. I want them to be safe. I want to take care of them. Notice a trend? “I” is the start of each of those thoughts. I’m reminded again that this is not about me. In thinking on this, I was reminded of a lesson I heard from Dr. Karyn Purvis, a wonderful teacher on adopting/fostering children from hard places. She spoke of Jesus and mentioned how every time Jesus saw someone, He saw their need, not their mistake. With the woman at the well, he saw she needed the living water. Even though he knew her mistake, he offered her a solution. With tax collectors and other sinners, He saw their needs. He gave them the good news. He gave them their desires. We are taught in the Word to meet the physical needs of those who need it. We are taught to love each person as He has loved us. Because we make mistakes too. We sin too. I have been trying really hard to be prayerful for the boys’ mom and dad. Praying that they continue to work to get their kids back. Praying that they mature and grow and are given good examples of parenting in their lives. I do pray, also, that if their is something being hidden from the sight of CPS that it be revealed. I pray for God to protect the boys and lead them to the right home, the home He has prepared for them. I am trying to get my mind set on supporting their mom, bringing her pictures of the boys to visits, writing down what they do each day and keeping her updated on their progress. These are things any mom would want to know and have. You see, we might be the glimpse of Jesus she has. Us loving on her babies as well as helping her just might help her know the love of Christ. I pray for that.
I am not even going to pretend I have all this figured out. I have a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts each day. I am excited, nervous, sad, joyful…gosh just about everything! I am confident in one thing, though. This is the path the Lord set for us, and when we follow Him, it is where we are meant to be.