Chippin' Away

Moving one day, one minute, one step at a time.

Reality July 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — chippinaway @ 1:27 pm
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I’ve been trying to figure out how to even write this post. I’m pretty sure I could think of the perfect words all day long and it would still come out as word vomit. So, I’m just going to dive in. Remember when I said, “the reality is that we could lose these boys.” Well…

We recently had a permenancy hearing for the boys. Without going into too much detail, the results of the hearing were that the judge approved CPS to move toward reunification with their mother. They will begin to have unsupervised visits, some overnight visits, and then, assuming all those go well, the boys will go home. Oh my. Just writing those words “go home” bring up so much. I mean, we are their home, right? This is where Little Man learned to crawl, eat solid foods, and say his first word. This is the place Big Dude comes to for safety, where he learned so many words, where he has his motorcycle parked next to Daddy Jeff’s, where he can chase the dogs around and laugh all the way down from his tummy. This is their home, right? Well, no. Not in the long run, it seems. And that was the whole point of this. To provide a home for these precious babies while their mother works hard to win them back. We went into this knowing this would likely be the case. But man is it hard!

Today, I have been given the task of sitting down with their mother and going over the boys’ schedule, likes, dislikes, etc. If you want to really know how sinful you can be, try this out sometime. My self-righteous nature came bubbling through. I told Jeff, “I don’t want to tell her all my secrets.” “why?” he asked. My response? “Because I don’t want them to like her as much as me.” What is that?? Grossness is what that is. To be honest, I also wish I was angry. See, I think this would be easier in a way if I strongly felt it was the wrong decision. If I could be angry at the system, angry at their mom, angry at something….but I’m not. I can’t cover up my sadness with anger. I can’t blame this on someone. I can’t mask the fact that this is God’s plan by assuming something must be wrong and all is lost. I don’t think any of those things. The Lord is has been so faithful in slowly building up that peace that passes understanding. Slowly, but it’s there.

I have been praying almost constantly since we got the news. The spiritual battle going on inside of me is stronger than ever. I go from trusting God’s plan, to desiring my own. From praying for their mom, to bad mouthing her in my mind. From loving these boys like I always have to pushing them away to protect my heart from falling more in love with them. From holding onto Jeff to pushing him away as well. From knowing this is God’s will for us to being angry that I’ve sacrificed so much and yet they still are leaving me. See, friends. It’s not easy. It’s very revealing of the heart. And, it just plain stinks.

Please pray friends. Please pray for us over the next few weeks as we prepare to say goodbye. Pray for us to keep loving these boys. Pray that their mom will beat the odds that are stacked so high against her. Pray that God will protect those sweet boys. Pray that my fear for them will not overshadow my faith in the Lord. Just pray. We need it.

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rambling update July 15, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — chippinaway @ 1:00 am

I know it’s been a while since I updated the blog. To say a lot has been going on would be an understatement!! Last week, we went up to Boston to visit Jeff’s brother and family. It had been over a year since we’d seen them so it was a great reunion! Our niece is almost 2 and ridiculously cute, and she and Big Dude became great friends during the week. I really wish I could post pictures of them on here. They really were 2 peas in a pod! The boys did great on the trip, the plane rides were relatively uneventful, and we are so glad we got permission to take them with us.

This week has been my first stay-at-home-mom week. I’m going to go ahead and say that being a mom is by far the hardest, most exhausting job there is. I might be wrong, but I doubt it. Less than a week in and I’m totally spent. But, each day that has gone by I’ve realized that this really was and is the best decision for our family right now. I LOVE my boys.

The boys are growing and changing so much. When I look back at pictures from April to now I am floored at how much they’ve grown. Little Man is so fast at getting around now. He’s decided crawling on his knees is just not cool anymore and does this bear crawl on his hands and feet that is super funny. But, man is he fast! He’s got a push toy and can “walk” all over the house with it. Big Dude is talking more and more. He only had about 4 words when we got him and he’s at around 20 now. And we actually understand them! He has mastered the word “help” and pretty much asks for help all the time. Which is way better than screaming!

Personally, I am struggling more lately with the thought of losing them. The plan is still for them to be reunified with their mom and as each day passes, and as I get more and more attached to them, the thought of losing them breaks me. I cry about it at least once a week. My spirit says to trust in Jesus, trust His plan for His children, know that sacrifice is part of service, know that He might not have planned for them to stay with us but that He is still good and He is still in control. However, my flesh says I’m the best mom for them and they should never go back to their family. It says to be selfish and prideful. It says not to trust in God’s plan and to trust in my own instead. It tells me that I’m an idiot for getting myself into this in the first place. It tells me to turn my back on God’s call for me and Jeff and just make a plan for myself. My oh my is battle hard! I’ve never felt such a spiritual warfare going on inside my body. It is HARD friends. So hard. All I can do is ask God for forgiveness when I lack trust, and pray for Him to allow me to find my purpose in Him, trust His plan, and help me live this life day by day and not so far in the future. The reality is that I might lose these boys. The reality is also that God is good.