I’ve been trying to figure out how to even write this post. I’m pretty sure I could think of the perfect words all day long and it would still come out as word vomit. So, I’m just going to dive in. Remember when I said, “the reality is that we could lose these boys.” Well…
We recently had a permenancy hearing for the boys. Without going into too much detail, the results of the hearing were that the judge approved CPS to move toward reunification with their mother. They will begin to have unsupervised visits, some overnight visits, and then, assuming all those go well, the boys will go home. Oh my. Just writing those words “go home” bring up so much. I mean, we are their home, right? This is where Little Man learned to crawl, eat solid foods, and say his first word. This is the place Big Dude comes to for safety, where he learned so many words, where he has his motorcycle parked next to Daddy Jeff’s, where he can chase the dogs around and laugh all the way down from his tummy. This is their home, right? Well, no. Not in the long run, it seems. And that was the whole point of this. To provide a home for these precious babies while their mother works hard to win them back. We went into this knowing this would likely be the case. But man is it hard!
Today, I have been given the task of sitting down with their mother and going over the boys’ schedule, likes, dislikes, etc. If you want to really know how sinful you can be, try this out sometime. My self-righteous nature came bubbling through. I told Jeff, “I don’t want to tell her all my secrets.” “why?” he asked. My response? “Because I don’t want them to like her as much as me.” What is that?? Grossness is what that is. To be honest, I also wish I was angry. See, I think this would be easier in a way if I strongly felt it was the wrong decision. If I could be angry at the system, angry at their mom, angry at something….but I’m not. I can’t cover up my sadness with anger. I can’t blame this on someone. I can’t mask the fact that this is God’s plan by assuming something must be wrong and all is lost. I don’t think any of those things. The Lord is has been so faithful in slowly building up that peace that passes understanding. Slowly, but it’s there.
I have been praying almost constantly since we got the news. The spiritual battle going on inside of me is stronger than ever. I go from trusting God’s plan, to desiring my own. From praying for their mom, to bad mouthing her in my mind. From loving these boys like I always have to pushing them away to protect my heart from falling more in love with them. From holding onto Jeff to pushing him away as well. From knowing this is God’s will for us to being angry that I’ve sacrificed so much and yet they still are leaving me. See, friends. It’s not easy. It’s very revealing of the heart. And, it just plain stinks.
Please pray friends. Please pray for us over the next few weeks as we prepare to say goodbye. Pray for us to keep loving these boys. Pray that their mom will beat the odds that are stacked so high against her. Pray that God will protect those sweet boys. Pray that my fear for them will not overshadow my faith in the Lord. Just pray. We need it.