I know it’s been a while since I updated the blog. To say a lot has been going on would be an understatement!! Last week, we went up to Boston to visit Jeff’s brother and family. It had been over a year since we’d seen them so it was a great reunion! Our niece is almost 2 and ridiculously cute, and she and Big Dude became great friends during the week. I really wish I could post pictures of them on here. They really were 2 peas in a pod! The boys did great on the trip, the plane rides were relatively uneventful, and we are so glad we got permission to take them with us.
This week has been my first stay-at-home-mom week. I’m going to go ahead and say that being a mom is by far the hardest, most exhausting job there is. I might be wrong, but I doubt it. Less than a week in and I’m totally spent. But, each day that has gone by I’ve realized that this really was and is the best decision for our family right now. I LOVE my boys.
The boys are growing and changing so much. When I look back at pictures from April to now I am floored at how much they’ve grown. Little Man is so fast at getting around now. He’s decided crawling on his knees is just not cool anymore and does this bear crawl on his hands and feet that is super funny. But, man is he fast! He’s got a push toy and can “walk” all over the house with it. Big Dude is talking more and more. He only had about 4 words when we got him and he’s at around 20 now. And we actually understand them! He has mastered the word “help” and pretty much asks for help all the time. Which is way better than screaming!
Personally, I am struggling more lately with the thought of losing them. The plan is still for them to be reunified with their mom and as each day passes, and as I get more and more attached to them, the thought of losing them breaks me. I cry about it at least once a week. My spirit says to trust in Jesus, trust His plan for His children, know that sacrifice is part of service, know that He might not have planned for them to stay with us but that He is still good and He is still in control. However, my flesh says I’m the best mom for them and they should never go back to their family. It says to be selfish and prideful. It says not to trust in God’s plan and to trust in my own instead. It tells me that I’m an idiot for getting myself into this in the first place. It tells me to turn my back on God’s call for me and Jeff and just make a plan for myself. My oh my is battle hard! I’ve never felt such a spiritual warfare going on inside my body. It is HARD friends. So hard. All I can do is ask God for forgiveness when I lack trust, and pray for Him to allow me to find my purpose in Him, trust His plan, and help me live this life day by day and not so far in the future. The reality is that I might lose these boys. The reality is also that God is good.