I’ve been having a hard time thinking of what to say on here lately. Last I updated, we found out that the boys will be leaving. Now, we have a plan. A plan that spells out the unsupervised visits, the extending length of the visits, and the target week for reunification. It is expected that they will be going home to their mother in about 5 weeks.
The reason I’ve been struggling with what to write is because my thoughts, feelings, and attitude shift so many times in one day. But, when I began this blog, it was my intent to be honest, open, and transparent. I’m not in the business of making people feel good, making myself feel good, or gaining everyone’s approval and praise. I want nothing more than for our foster care journey to point people to Christ and give glory to God. So, let me just say that right now is a difficult time. There are moments when I can say, “Lord, thank you for our time with these boys and please help their mother care for them” and in the same breath say “how can they return them to that girl who has no idea how to raise these boys.” I have been saying “we are trusting in God’s plan for these boys” and then turn around and think “this system is so broken. what are they doing? there is no way this mom is going to succeed and these poor boys are going to have a terrible life.” The battle is on going. It seriously doesn’t stop.
Emotionally, I am also pretty much functioning in waves. I can feel sad, hopeful, angry, hopeless, excited, lonely, hurt, and anxious all within about 2 minutes. It’s exhausting. Really exhausting.
Also, I am really beginning to see how this journey is going to affect and is effecting our entire families. Jeff’s parents spent their last moments (probably) with these boys and it was really hard. I began to feel guilty. Wondering if I’d made a poor choice because now our families are sad. It made me feel responsible for breaking hearts. But, it also made me so joyful to know that our families have been so invested in these boys, that they are really loving them, that they see them as a part of the family. And that is what these sweet guys need. They need a family. And, I believe, they will always have one. We love them. They are forever a part of us. But it still hurts.
My biggest sadness today has been the thought that they will wonder where we are. That they will think we abandoned them. That they will be hurting during their first weeks with their mother. Oh, that breaks my heart. But, like I’ve said before…it’s not about us. It’s not about us. It’s not about us.
We are really trying to focus on loving these boys and their mother for the next 5 weeks. We are in a very unique position to love on these kids and show the gospel to them and their mother. We want the Lord to speak to her through us and we pray that seeds are planted in all of their lives. Please, please pray for her as she prepares to bring these crazy kiddos back into her home. Pray for their hearts and hers. Pray that she will succeed. Pray that the boys will bond with her quickly. Pray for their dad. He will be back in the picture pretty soon and that is probably one of the scariest things for us as well.
Thank you all for your love and support. I can feel your prayers.