Well, it’s been a month. I absolutely can’t believe a month has gone by with these 3 girls! I have so much I could say about what has been happening. The baby is growing like a weed. It’s amazing what eating and cuddling can do! The middle one is the most active almost 2 year old I’ve ever seen. She’s constantly on the move, and it is quite challenging not to be saying “no” all day long to her. The oldest is something else and I’m going to spend more time talking about her and our relationship today.
This little lady is a treasure. She is sweet and loveable and LOVES to sing and dance! I am totally a mom now because of her. I mean, I have the speakers faded to the very back of the car and the Justin Bieber pandora station is blaring back there all the time! That is, until she says, “turn that off. I’m just going to sing now.” Love this girl! It is probably easy to see her and think she is just a typical kid. But she’s not.
This month has been a real test of my pride and approval when it comes to her. She is constantly saying things like, “my mommy does this” or “When can I see my mommy.” One morning, she even started the day off asking me, “why do I have 2 mommies and 2 daddies?” Talk about a heavy morning conversation! The first day I dropped her off at school, I overheard her tell her friend, “this is my other mommy.” Heartbreak.
I feel like I always knew that I was “the other mommy” with the boys. But now I have a child who can clearly articulate to me and tell me. All the time. And if I’m not careful I can let it get to me. I find myself feeling like I have to work for her approval. I feel like I have to be the perfect mom so she doesn’t compare me to her other one. I find myself even thinking to myself “why in the world do you even compare me to her? Clearly, I’m a better mom to you.” Friends, this is ugly and sinful. These are thoughts and lies straight from the enemy and it puts a barrier between me and my daughter. I am so thankful that the Lord has been gracious to reveal this to me and help me remember that my identity is in Him and that I have been made to love these girls without expecting love in return.
The truth is, even if we end up adopting these girls, they will always have there first mommy and then me. I could raise them for the rest of their lives and I’ll still, at least a little bit, be “the other mommy.” My 6 year old knows her mom. She loves her mom. She misses her mom. She cries because she wants her. My job is to respond with love. To acknowledge and try my best to understand where she’s coming from. To allow her to grieve her mom. It’s not like she’s like that all day. She’s been known to turn around and say “I’m gonna live here forever.” God gives me those moments. I’m certain of it.
This feels like an extremely random post, but my thoughts and feelings are just that lately. I’m not sure if my exhaustion if more physical or emotional. I do know that I have never felt Jesus move more than he has in the last month. I’m never had kids between the ages of 2 and 6, so it’s certainly the Lord that has allowed answers to all the crazy questions a 6 year old asks!
Mostly, we are doing great. We spend a lot of our days laughing, either at them or ourselves. For my next post I’ll share some fun stories. For now, this “other mommy” is going to, once again, go to bed at 9pm.