Chippin' Away

Moving one day, one minute, one step at a time.

Lies, lies, lies September 26, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — chippinaway @ 1:05 pm

It has been ages since my last post.  I wrote a guest post over at a friend’s blog several weeks ago, but otherwise I’ve been MIA.  The main reason, other than I have 4 stinking kids that take up all my stinking time (and that’s ok!), is that it’s been a really hard season around here.  Our oldest is experiencing some major effects of her trauma and it’s causing a lot of hurt, tears, arguments, tantrums, more tears, talks, more tears, and major exhaustion.  I will protect her story, but you guys have to know, adoption is hard.  Parenting is hard, and throw in an older adopted child, and it just adds a whole other layer of hard.

We recently decided that it was time to start counseling.  She and I will be working on attachment, she’ll be working through some trauma stuff, and I’ll be going to a mom’s group full of other adoptive moms that feel the same feelings as I do.  It’s going to be really good.  But deciding to start this was extremely difficult for me.  Admitting I need help is difficult for me.

I am realizing during this time that there are a lot of lies I am telling myself and believing.  Here are a few of them.

I think I have to be perfect.  I think other people need to think I have it all together.  I think that I’m a failure if I need help.  I think there is no way other moms would ever think or say the things I’ve said or thought.  I have feelings that I never thought were possible for this sinning soul and they are scary.  I think my husband needs a perfect wife or he’ll be less in love with me.  I think I wasn’t cut out to do this adoption thing.  I tell myself this was a mistake.  That my kid doesn’t love me and will never love me.  I tell myself this will never change.  I tell myself that I can’t do this anymore.  You see where I’m going here?

I was drawn to a verse recently that says, “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick” (Jeremiah 17:9).  Friends, I have believed all of the things I mentioned, and more, and here’s the thing.  They are lies.  I can not trust my feelings.  In John 8, there are some words written about Satan.  “When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  Jesus reminded me that I’m also fighting a spiritual battle here.  Not only is my heart deceiving me, but Satan is telling me lies.  He is attacking us because we are displaying a small picture of Christ’s love.  He wants to destroy it.  Satan does not like any picture that tells others of God’s love.  Marriage and adoption are two big ones.  He will always want to destroy those relationships.

Friends, we need to fight against these lies!  We need to cling to the truths that have been revealed to us in God’s word.  When my flesh is weak and my faith is running dry, I will cling to the One who gives living water.  I will pray with the psalmist “I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?  My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.”  I will remember Christ’s words when he says, “In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  I will remember that God is good, just, merciful, and faithful to the end.  I will remember that even on my best days I’m a sinner in need of a savior.  And on my worst days the grace of God does not run out.  I will remember that my hope is not in this world or this time, but in knowing this is not my home.  There will be a time when my daughter doesn’t cry or yell or say hurtful things.  There will be a time when we won’t have abuse and neglect and orphans and pain.  I will remember who I am in Christ.  An heir to the throne of the King.

And on the days I can’t make myself remember, I reach out and rely on my brothers and sisters who God gave me.  My FAMILY.  My family who was meant to help carry my burdens.  When my heart is deceiving, and satan is lying, and my flesh is screaming, may the Lord draw me near community, to the Church who will lift my eyes for me when I can not.  I will fight against the lies!