The fact that I haven’t written a post all year is telling. It tells of how freaking busy a mom of four little kids is. It tells of the lack of time I have for putting ideas on paper. And it tells, really deep down, of the immense struggle I’ve been walking through during this year of parenting a child who has a history of trauma.
Parenting any child is difficult. I am not, by any means, saying otherwise. I have friends with biological children who are walking through extremely difficult times. But, parenting a traumatized child is uniquely challenging. I don’t want this post to be about my child, but rather about me. Many of my faults, sins, deficiencies, and scars have been exposed during this season. It’s been a time of immense pain and doubt. Doubt of God’s goodness, love, control, everything. I have been exposed to be a doubting Thomas, an arrogant Pharisee, and a luke warm believer. Where I once ran forward in faith, I find myself paralyzed by fear. Where I once held tightly to faith in things unseen, I find myself demanding to see, and feel, and taste, and touch. Where I once ran freely in the paths prepared for me, I find myself back in chains.
Friends, I once felt shame admitting those things. What kind of Christian screams out at God, accusing him of not being there? What kind of Christian claims to believe, yet is filled with anger at the God she believes in? How dare I question? How dare I make demands? How could I waiver so?
One of the verses in scripture that has brought me great comfort in this time has been Acts 9:24: Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” This man was begging Jesus to heal his son and when Jesus says “All things are possible for one who believes” this is what he says. There is so much power and freedom here! This man was a believer in Jesus, but knew, in his humanness, he was not capable of believing fully all the time. Jesus heals this man’s son, even after admitting he has unbelief. This is HUGE to me.
You see, if I believe that scripture is true and that all of scripture is God breathed, then I have to believe that this small statement was intended for my good, to fulfill a purpose. In this season I am going through, I believe Jesus is telling me, “Child, come to me, even if feebly, and I will help you believe!” God knew I would doubt, question, and struggle. He knows my heart is deceitful (Jer. 17:9) and my flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). He gave me the brain I have and the feelings I have. If anything, this should be pointing me to His great unmoving love for me. He wants me to cling on for dear life in all of life’s circumstances. And His love doesn’t shift as I do. It’s constant.
So, while I’m shifting and groaning and stretching and being refined, He is constant. He loves still. He still pursues. He still makes a path for me. And He still goes before me. My ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts. And He knows that, and He loves me.
I am clinging to these truths today and hopefully tomorrow. But when I fall and when I fail, He is not falling or failing. He is loving and moving. And that brings me comfort.